Servicing NYC and Long Island
Part 2
In this series, I’ll respond to parents’ questions about behavior management, each potentially echoing your own experiences.
To protect questioners’ privacy, I'll modify details, occasionally changing a child's gender or location. Don't get caught up in the specifics; our goal is to enrich our understanding of behavior management, exploring both the theoretical foundations and how it can benefit your child.
We’ll start with a question I received that was so essential that it deserved immediate attention.
My child struggles socially. He knows he’s different, and he’s uncomfortable in his own skin. Primarily, his behavior is aggressive - hitting, kicking, bothering other children – yet, as soon as he’s on his own, he’s an angel.
I would love to use behavior management strategies to teach him how to behave with other children, but I’m reluctant to do so because it feels to me as though these behaviors stem from an emotional place and I don’t want to neglect his emotional health. What should I do?
This is an excellent question. To address it effectively, we first need to understand two key concepts:
1. Behavior
2. Emotion
The dictionary defines behavior as “anything that an organism does involving action and response to stimulation” or “the way in which one acts or conducts oneself, especially toward others.” Additionally, it notes that “Behavior is an action that is observable and measurable.” Behavior is what we see or hear, such as a child sitting down, standing up, speaking, whispering, yelling, or writing.
Now emotion: “Emotions are mental states brought on by neurophysiological changes, variously associated with thoughts, feelings, behavioral responses, and a degree of pleasure or displeasure.”
Behaviors are external actions that can be observed by someone else, whereas emotions are internal experiences. For example, if I experience anger, it remains unnoticeable to others until it’s expressed through behavior, such as shouting, hitting, or speaking harshly. Sadness is an emotion, crying is a behavior. Happiness is an emotion, while clapping one's hands is a behavior.
Our emotions are like a spiral staircase. We feel an emotion, which leads to a certain behavior. This behavior, in turn, cycles back into our psyche, influencing our subsequent emotions. We behave again, based on these new feelings, and this cycle continues.
For example, if my child's actions frustrate me, leading to anger and yelling, the act of yelling then influences my next set of emotions. Conversely, if I exercise self-control in response to my child's frustrating behavior, this act of restraint shapes my future emotional responses.
Chazal phrased this more eloquently than any therapist could. The anonymous author of Sefer Hachinuch offers a profound insight: “Know, a person becomes a product of his actions, and his heart and all his thoughts always follow the actions he takes, whether good or bad.”
This is a potent statement. The Chinuch doesn't merely suggest that our actions can sometimes shape our feelings; it asserts that our heart and all our thoughts are consistently guided by our actions. To foster positive feelings, one must do positive actions.
So, returning to the initial question, the questioner said she wants to work on her child’s behaviors, but she feels that the behaviors are coming from his emotions and wonders if she should first address these underlying emotions.
It's a common belief, often reinforced by clinicians who believe that a child’s problematic behaviors cannot be effectively addressed until the emotional roots of those behaviors are identified and dealt with.
But what if we can't pinpoint the emotional cause of the behaviors? Or if we believe we understand the source, but the cause is irreversible?
Or consider a more challenging scenario: What if the initial emotional origin of the behavior not only persisted but even intensified under the weight of accumulated negative responses? What if the chance to address this emotional root was overlooked because it wasn't readily identifiable, and now the situation has worsened, with years of negative behaviors molding the child's development?
In such cases, should we spend the child's entire life searching for elusive roots and causes? Considering that emotions are internal, invisible, hard to understand, and not directly measurable, is delving into emotional analysis truly the best starting point?
I suggest a different approach: begin by addressing the behaviors. Concentrate on them, model them, shape them. Temporarily set aside the potential emotional causes.
Don’t get frightened. You’re not hurting anyone; it’s just an experiment. Give it a three-month trial period. After these three months, you’ll have a much clearer answer to your question.
And what you’ll probably discover is that behaviors are far more easily accessed than emotions. If you begin to shape your child’s behaviors for the positive, your child’s emotions will shift as well. You won’t neglect your child’s emotional health, on the contrary, you’ll enhance it.
Generally, when I apply the Hands Full program to children who are developing normally, we need a minimum of six weeks until we start to see change. I’d double that amount of time for a child growing up with special needs. If you stay committed to your focus on behavior, and don’t doubt your approach, you will likely begin to see positive change by the 12-week mark.
Low Sensory Sensitivity
Moderate Sensory Sensitivity
High Sensory Sensitivity
Very High Sensory Sensitivity
0-15: Low Sensory Sensitivity
Low Sensory Sensitivity
Moderate Sensory Sensitivity
High Sensory Sensitivity
Very High Sensory Sensitivity
16-30: Moderate Sensory Sensitivity
Low Sensory Sensitivity
Moderate Sensory Sensitivity
High Sensory Sensitivity
Very High Sensory Sensitivity
31-45: High Sensory Sensitivity
Low Sensory Sensitivity
Moderate Sensory Sensitivity
High Sensory Sensitivity
Very High Sensory Sensitivity
46-60: Very High Sensory Sensitivity