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Special Needs

Pathways to Potential Part 2

Applying the Hands Full parenting Approach to Your Special Child

Dr. Sora Yaroslawitz

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Part 2

In this series, I’ll respond to parents’ questions about behavior management, each potentially echoing your own experiences.

To protect questioners’ privacy, I'll modify details, occasionally changing a child's gender or location. Don't get caught up in the specifics; our goal is to enrich our understanding of behavior management, exploring both the theoretical foundations and how it can benefit your child.

We’ll start with a question I received that was so essential that it deserved immediate attention.  

My child struggles socially. He knows he’s different, and he’s uncomfortable in his own skin. Primarily, his behavior is aggressive - hitting, kicking, bothering other children – yet, as soon as he’s on his own, he’s an angel.

I would love to use behavior management strategies to teach him how to behave with other children, but I’m reluctant to do so because it feels to me as though these behaviors stem from an emotional place and I don’t want to neglect his emotional health. What should I do?

This is an excellent question. To address it effectively, we first need to understand two key concepts:

1. Behavior

2. Emotion

The dictionary defines behavior as “anything that an organism does involving action and response to stimulation” or “the way in which one acts or conducts oneself, especially toward others.” Additionally, it notes that “Behavior is an action that is observable and measurable.” Behavior is what we see or hear, such as a child sitting down, standing up, speaking, whispering, yelling, or writing.

Now emotion: “Emotions are mental states brought on by neurophysiological changes, variously associated with thoughts, feelings, behavioral responses, and a degree of pleasure or displeasure.”

Behaviors are external actions that can be observed by someone else, whereas emotions are internal experiences. For example, if I experience anger, it remains unnoticeable to others until it’s expressed through behavior, such as shouting, hitting, or speaking harshly. Sadness is an emotion, crying is a behavior. Happiness is an emotion, while clapping one's hands is a behavior.

Our emotions are like a spiral staircase. We feel an emotion, which leads to a certain behavior. This behavior, in turn, cycles back into our psyche, influencing our subsequent emotions. We behave again, based on these new feelings, and this cycle continues.

For example, if my child's actions frustrate me, leading to anger and yelling, the act of yelling then influences my next set of emotions. Conversely, if I exercise self-control in response to my child's frustrating behavior, this act of restraint shapes my future emotional responses.

Chazal phrased this more eloquently than any therapist could. The anonymous author of Sefer Hachinuch offers a profound insight: “Know, a person becomes a product of his actions, and his heart and all his thoughts always follow the actions he takes, whether good or bad.”

This is a potent statement. The Chinuch doesn't merely suggest that our actions can sometimes shape our feelings; it asserts that our heart and all our thoughts are consistently guided by our actions. To foster positive feelings, one must do positive actions.

So, returning to the initial question, the questioner said she wants to work on her child’s behaviors, but she feels that the behaviors are coming from his emotions and wonders if she should first address these underlying emotions.

It's a common belief, often reinforced by clinicians who believe that a child’s problematic behaviors cannot be effectively addressed until the emotional roots of those behaviors are identified and dealt with.

But what if we can't pinpoint the emotional cause of the behaviors? Or if we believe we understand the source, but the cause is irreversible?

Or consider a more challenging scenario: What if the initial emotional origin of the behavior not only persisted but even intensified under the weight of accumulated negative responses? What if the chance to address this emotional root was overlooked because it wasn't readily identifiable, and now the situation has worsened, with years of negative behaviors molding the child's development?

In such cases, should we spend the child's entire life searching for elusive roots and causes? Considering that emotions are internal, invisible, hard to understand, and not directly measurable, is delving into emotional analysis truly the best starting point?

I suggest a different approach: begin by addressing the behaviors. Concentrate on them, model them, shape them. Temporarily set aside the potential emotional causes.

Don’t get frightened. You’re not hurting anyone; it’s just an experiment. Give it a three-month trial period. After these three months, you’ll have a much clearer answer to your question.

And what you’ll probably discover is that behaviors are far more easily accessed than emotions. If you begin to shape your child’s behaviors for the positive, your child’s emotions will shift as well. You won’t neglect your child’s emotional health, on the contrary, you’ll enhance it.

Generally, when I apply the Hands Full program to children who are developing normally, we need a minimum of six weeks until we start to see change. I’d double that amount of time for a child growing up with special needs. If you stay committed to your focus on behavior, and don’t doubt your approach, you will likely begin to see positive change by the 12-week mark.

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Auditory Sensitivity

My child is sensitive to loud noises
(e.g., sirens, vacuum cleaner).

My child seeks out specific sounds or types of music and appears calmer when listening to them.

Tactile Sensitivity

My child is irritated by certain fabrics or tags in clothing.

My child seems indifferent to sensations that are usually painful or to extreme temperatures.

Visual Sensitivity

My child is sensitive to bright or flashing lights.

My child tends to avoid eye contact.

Taste/Smell Sensitivity

My child constantly prefers bland foods and rejects foods with strong flavors or spices.

My child seeks out strong or unusual smells, such as sniffing food or objects.

Proprioceptive Sensitivity

My child prefers tight hugs or being wrapped in a blanket.

My child is unaware of body position in space (e.g., often bumps into things).

Social Sensitivity

My child becomes anxious or distressed in crowded spaces.

My child is hesitant or resistant to climbing or balancing activities (e.g., jungle gyms, see-saws).

Movement Sensitivity

My child dislikes fast or spinning movements

Vestibular Sensitivity

My child becomes anxious or distressed in crowded spaces.

My child is hesitant or resistant to climbing or balancing activities (e.g., jungle gyms, see-saws).

Please answer all questions before submitting.

Your Child’s Score is

  • 0-15

    Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • 16-30

    Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • 31-45

    High Sensory Sensitivity

  • 46-60

    Very High Sensory Sensitivity

0-15: Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • Interpretation: Your child exhibits low levels of sensory sensitivity, usually falling within the typical developmental range.
  • Recommendation: Generally not  a cause for concern. If you have specific worries or notice a sudden change in behavior, consult a healthcare professional for a comprehensive evaluation.
  • 0-15

    Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • 16-30

    Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • 31-45

    High Sensory Sensitivity

  • 46-60

    Very High Sensory Sensitivity

16-30: Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • Interpretation: Your child displays moderate sensory sensitivity, which may warrant intervention.
  • Recommendation: Consider sensory-friendly activities, sensory sensitive toys, or sensory sensitive clothing like noise-canceling headphones and weighted blankets to improve comfort. If symptoms persist, consult health care professionals.
  • 0-15

    Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • 16-30

    Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • 31-45

    High Sensory Sensitivity

  • 46-60

    Very High Sensory Sensitivity

31-45: High Sensory Sensitivity

  • Interpretation: Your child has higher than average sensory sensitivity that may interfere with daily functioning.
  • Recommendation: Seek a detailed evaluation by health care professionals for sensory integration therapy options and potential environmental modifications.
  • 0-15

    Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • 16-30

    Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • 31-45

    High Sensory Sensitivity

  • 46-60

    Very High Sensory Sensitivity

46-60: Very High Sensory Sensitivity

  • Interpretation: Your child demonstrates high levels of sensory sensitivity that could significantly interfere with daily life.
  • Recommendation: If your child displays this level of sensory sensitivity, it’s highly recommended that you consult with a health care professional for a multi-disciplinary assessment. You will probably be directed towards early intervention programs and specialized support.

Nothing to Hide

Pathways to Potential Part 2

Yom Tov Transitions Made Easy

NYC’s Top Accessible Adventures

The Yom Tov Parenting Survival Guide

Understanding OPWDD Eligibility: What You Need to Know

How Direct Support Professionals Enhance Quality of Life

What Is Com Hab and How Does It Provide Individualized Support?

6 Benefits of Respite Care for Families of Kids with Special Needs

Encouragement for the First Day of School

The Child Development Checklist

Spina Bifida — an Overview

My Life in Holland

Fostering Independence in Children With Developmental Delays

Understanding Intellectual Disabilities

What is Epilepsy?

Defining Dyslexia

Pathways to Potential

Understanding Down Syndrome

Early Intervention for Down Syndrome

Our Roller Coaster Ride

Understanding Cerebral Palsy

Understanding Autism

Autism Support

Social Anxiety Disorder

Confronting Childhood Trauma

Family Strategies for Anxiety

Separation Anxiety Overview

Understanding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Mental Disorder Prevention

Combating Depression in Elders

Depression Overview

Understanding Anxiety

Adult ADHD Action Plan

Sleep Strategies for the Anxious Child

Spina Bifida: Early Intervention

Unlocking Potential

A Parent's Guide to Food for Kids With Allergies

Understanding Speech and Language Development

Sleep Strategies for the Anxious Child

Sensory Sensitivity Test

Feeding Your Picky Eater

Simple Sensory Activities

Decoding Diagnostic Tests

The Child Development Checklist

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