Pathways to Potential Part 4

Answer:
Let's tackle this question in two steps. First, we’ll explore what not to do and why.
Screaming or harshly criticizing your son’s behavior can backfire. Attention, even negative attention, often reinforces behaviors. Subconsciously, your son might repeat the behavior to get a reaction. Negative behaviors are like weeds—if you water them, they’ll grow bigger and wilder.
So, what should you do? My Hands Full program offers two related strategies you can implement when your son clashes with his siblings. These tools empower children to self-regulate, reducing the need for constant parental intervention. Here's a closer look at each strategy.

Try INB and SWC

A cornerstone of the Hands Full program is the Ignore Negative Behaviors (INB) strategy, paired with Separate Without Comment (SWC). To grasp the essence of INB, consider the following analogy:

You’re hosting important guests and prepared an elaborate meal culminating in a triple-layer ice cream dessert. While serving the main course, the dessert slipped your mind. When the main course was finished, you found the ice cream too solid to slice properly. But your guests were waiting, so you exerted intense pressure on the knife, which gave you uneven, jagged portions.

You make a mental note that next time, you’ll remove the ice cream from the freezer earlier so it can defrost slightly, allowing you to cut smooth slices easily.

Children’s negative behaviors can be compared to the triple-layer ice cream, solidified over years by consistent negative reinforcement, including screaming, punishment, or lectures. After five or six years of this reinforcement, the behaviors are frozen and resistant. When parents resort to forceful measures to address these “frozen” behaviors, the results are often rough and jagged, hurting both the child and the parent-child relationship.

However, if a parent is wise enough to adopt the INB strategy—akin to leaving the ice cream to thaw naturally on the counter—these challenging behaviors begin to “melt.” This approach allows for applying gentle, effective techniques to shape desired behaviors smoothly without the damage of forceful intervention.

The INB and SWC phase is a temporary but crucial step to soften these hardened behaviors. At the end of this phase, some behaviors will have dissolved entirely, requiring no further action, while others become pliable enough for positive strategies to reshape them effectively.

Stick to the Process

Sometimes, while we’re working on “defrosting” our children’s negative behaviors, well-meaning friends and relatives inadvertently reinforce these behaviors. They might do so by giving the behaviors attention or suggesting corrective measures within the child’s earshot.

In such instances, it's crucial to trust your instincts and stick to the INB and SWC strategies. Gently deflect unsolicited advice and maintain your focus on ignoring negative behaviors unless they pose a safety risk. It's unnecessary to inform children of this approach in advance; they'll notice the lack of reaction to negative behaviors, even when others respond.

Negative behaviors are actions that intentionally or unintentionally irritate or harm another person or damage an object. Although the reason why negative behaviors occur is sometimes significant, it need not need affect the way we react to and deal with them. The focus is on the consistent application of planned ignoring, a strategy that withdraws attention from behaviors used to gain attention.

Maintaining composure and ignoring challenging behaviors is best described as the trait of hishtavus, as outlined in Chovos Halevovos. The root of the Hebrew word hishtavus is shoveh, which means equal or equivalent, and refers to the ability to maintain equilibrium when faced with unpredictable events.

Rav Moshe Feinstein zt”l emphasized middas hishtavus as critical to empower a person to trust his objective reasoning (seichel). Without this equilibrium, emotions can overpower logic, clouding judgment and decision-making.

This is particularly relevant in parenting, where emotional involvement is intense. While parenting inherently involves a deep well of love and devotion, parents must express these emotions primarily in positive interactions. In the face of negative behaviors, remaining unfazed and impartial helps ensure decisions are guided by clarity and thoughtfulness.

Ignoring negative behaviors also keeps much of the verbal negativity out of parenting. By avoiding negative comments when children misbehave, we build positive relationships with them and allow them to develop healthy self-esteem.

Understanding the difference between ignoring the child’s behaviors and ignoring the child is crucial. Ignoring a behavior means that you remain unfazed while the negative behaviors occur. It does not mean to ignore the child completely.

For instance, while helping Danny with homework, he began throwing soft-covered books off the couch each time he read a word, likely as a diversion from homework stress. Opting to ignore this behavior—given that it posed no harm—allowed the focus to remain on the homework without reinforcing the negative action. This approach doesn't ignore Danny as a person; it selectively overlooks the misbehavior.

SWC  

The second strategy applicable in this situation is called Separate Without Comment, or SWC.

SWC empowers parents to halt negative behaviors without inadvertently reinforcing them. It requires calmly and silently separating the child from the situation, which prompts negative behavior. This is done without engaging in any form of communication, verbal or nonverbal.

This approach might seem counterintuitive and unproductive, as the parental instinct often drives us to correct behavior by verbally instructing children what not to do. We may wonder: what’s wrong with separating them while also verbally explaining what’s wrong?

To answer this question, try this simple mental exercise: Close your eyes and imagine your greatest dream. What if you were told that if you remain focused on this dream for sixty seconds, it will materialize? However, you must not think about a pink elephant during those sixty seconds. You can think about anything else, but not a pink elephant. Ready, set…go!

As you probably discovered, this exercise is difficult. Although we rarely think of pink elephants, the instruction not to think about one makes it almost impossible not to. The brain converts verbal instructions into mental images that persist and resurface whenever reminded of the subject.

As a friend recently shared: “Last week, my sister excitedly told me she’d just purchased a new green minivan. While I’m not particularly interested in cars and never notice what’s beside me on the road, once she told me this, I began noticing every green minivan!”

Similarly, telling a child not to do a particular action often results in the opposite effect. The verbal prohibition embeds the action in the child's mind, leading them to revisit the behavior repeatedly over days or even weeks.

In Practice

Let’s return to the question regarding managing a six-year-old child with high-functioning ASD who frequently disturbs his siblings. How can we effectively apply the principles of Ignore Negative Behaviors (INB) and Separate Without Comment (SWC) to this situation?

First, assess each incident to determine if it's ignorable. Minor disruptions, such as taking a toy, sitting in a sibling's place, or giving light taps—actions that are bothersome but not aggressive—should be ignored(INB). It's important not to focus too much on fairness at this point; tolerating situations that aren’t entirely fair is a valuable learning process for children.

For behaviors that cannot be ignored due to their aggressive nature—like hitting, kicking, pushing, or biting—employ the SWC strategy. This involves separating the involved children from each other without saying a single word. Allow the act of separation to convey the message.

It's crucial to understand that SWC isn’t an instant solution but a process. For a child with ASD, it might take hundreds of SWCs, done consistently and calmly.

For children developing typically, I predict that to see results, it will take at least six consecutive weeks – roughly 40 days, which is what Rav Elimelech of Lizensk tells us is the shortest amount of time necessary to change a trait. For a child with ASD, you need to add at least another three weeks. This requires patience and commitment from both parents.

To sum up the approach: Maintain your composure and manage your reactions. The key is to remain calm and not show negative emotions. Realize that this is a process.

When deciding how to respond to your child's behavior, ask yourself: Can this behavior be overlooked? If yes, then apply Ignore Negative Behaviors (INB). If the behavior is too disruptive or harmful to ignore, Separate Without Comment (SWC).

The common thread between INB and SWC is the emphasis on silence—no verbal admonishments, lectures, threats, or bribes. This strategy is about giving your child the space to observe your behavior, connect the dots, and self-regulate his behavior over time. And that is an invaluable gift.